Tuesday Mar 20

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(Or in other words, When are YOU getting married?)

If you’re a typical Bruneian, you probably get invited to wedding, tahlil, doa selamat functions at least once a week. You’ll probably run into people that you see on an almost daily basis, people you haven’t seen in a while and people you have to suffer politely. You’ll exchange news about who just came back from university overseas, who bought a new car/house/phone and whose mother is worried they are still single at the ripe old age of 27. You’ll find out who got married and who’s pregnant and who just gave birth. And if you are single, female, and in your late twenties, the chances are you will be asked “Bilakankaukawinni?”

As a single woman (30 going on 31. Ouch!), can I just say, on behalf of all my fellow sufferers out there, how irritating and hurtful this question can be?

There are likely two scenarios here:

One. I would like to get married. In fact, my sole goal in life (now that I have a good degree and a cushy job) is to settle down and make babies. But for some reason, I can’t. Perhaps I am repulsive to the opposite sex. Perhaps I have not been lucky enough to find someone. Perhaps there are private obstacles I have yet to overcome.

Asking me pointedly when I am getting married while you hug an adorable (so cute that my ovaries ache in envy) child in your arms while exchanging texts with your adorable husband about how much you love each other is just cruel. After all, would you go up to a man with no legs and stretch for your 15km marathon all the while asking him when he was going to get off his butt and make an effort?

Two. I am actually fine being on my own and do not need to be convinced that I am wrong. I enjoy coming home after work to a quiet house not covered in toddler drool and filled with the bickering of spoiled and ungrateful teenagers and a husband that needs some attention. I like being able to go out at any time of day without worrying about who will breastfeed the baby if I step out.

If you ask me when I am getting married, I am going to tell you some lie about how I am not ready or that it’s not for me. The chances are high that such a response will subject me to a lecture about how I shouldn’t wait to long, time and tide wait for no man (or the Brunei equivalent) or that I shouldn’t think so negatively. Alternatively (if you are the tenth person to broach the subject that day and I am sick of being polite), I tell you that I think people are stupid to give up their independence for marriage and the shackles of parenthood and you are offended because you feel that your life choices are being attacked. After a few awkward “Hmm”s and “Uh”s, we find an excuse to go talk to someone else.

I hope you will agree that neither scenario is particularly desirable.

Dear Brunei, I would like to make a simple request. Let us eradicate this question from the social sphere (unless, of course, the single lady in question is sporting an engagement rock that she is flashing in everyone’s faces). Let us respect each other’s privacy. Let us stop putting single women on the spot by asking them when they are FINALLY going to get married.

Fed up with having to think up witty answers

1150319 10200756948498558 2074737976 nAbout the Contributor: Joyce is a dedicated teacher at a Sixth Form centre in Brunei where she daily entreats, begs, threatens, cajoles and teases her students in an attempt to develop their skills in the English Language. She is a self-confessed bibliophile and excessive book addict who enjoys doodling, diving once every school holiday, messing about with bits of paper and string, and dancing in her car at traffic lights. In her free time, she annoys her fighting fish and long-suffering hamster who oversee her day to day adventures. She plagiarises from the Pixar cartoon “Up” to remind everyone that, “Adventure is out there!” and from Tae Joon in “A Beautiful You” to say, “Miracle is just another word for effort.”


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